|coldmusings||11:12 am - Introduction|
Hi, my name is Daniel and I'm a recovering alcoholic. ("Hi Daniel, *claps*")
I'm 23, currently residing in Pennsylvania but that will be changing soon (Utah, New Jersey, New York...undecided!) I recently graduated from law school and am waiting to hear on the results of the Bar Exam. I have Antisocial Personality Disorder (I'm a sociopath/psychopath). My father had the gene and passed it on to me, in which case it worsened, after having a pretty fucked up childhood. Close to the age of four, my uncle shot himself in the head while babysitting me. I, luckily, got to see it. My father blamed me, and beat me for my uncles death. Beatings and rapings were frequent occurrences as I was growing up.
I'm a very violent person, sometimes with due cause...but most of the time for no reason at all. I'm a slightly promiscuous person, not nearly as bad as it was 3-5 years ago, though. I used to be able to get off no matter what. I'd visualize blood, cutting someone, violence in general, in my head, during intimate moments, and that would do the trick for me. Now, it seems this is not enough. In the past 6 months, the only time I've been able to "get off" has been when blood was actually involved (which has happened twice, in that period of time.) Even masturbation is a no go. It seems my desires/urges are evolving.
I know you don't have to be in a situation even remotely similar to mine to be a piquerist, but I believe, in my case, my past is where it has stemmed from.
....I have no idea what else to say.